Biden Pardons Himself

Claims No One Else Cares

In an unprecedented act of clemency, President Joe Biden issued the broadest possible pardon to himself for all federal crimes committed before, during, and after his term in office.

Although Biden insisted he had never broken the law, he claimed opposing politicians wanted to punish him for his administration's successes and that no one else cared about protecting him.

After signing the pardon Biden said, “I got Hunter off Scott-free, so why should I have to deal with this crap anymore? The Big Guy needs to take care of himself.”

Most legal scholars from around the country responded with confusion; no President had ever attempted to put himself above the law by using his constitutionally granted power of clemency.

Noah Itall, a Harvard University Law School senior professor, said, “The Constitution is very clear. Except for impeachment, there is no limit to the rights of the executive in the realm of pardons for Federal crimes. And in this divisive political climate, Biden must protect himself however he can.”

A President’s power to pardon himself has never been tested legally. A spokesperson for the Supreme Court confirmed that the case will be heard by the Justices.

A legal advisor to President Trump, who asked for his name to be withheld, commented, “The founding fathers gave the President some of the powers of a King. They enshrined the ability to grant pardons without limitation as a means to eliminate judicial abuse no matter where it occurs. Don’t be surprised when the Supreme Court confirms that a self-pardon is constitutional.”

Several legal pundits have asserted that Biden’s self-pardon was issued as a clever maneuver because President Trump might attempt the same action. The Court would have to recognize that whatever their decision, it will apply to both Presidents.

This analysis has been rejected by Administration sources. A cabinet member claimed that since he was removed from the Presidential race, Biden’s actions have been increasingly irrational and unpredictable.

Some of the President’s closest aides have confidentially shared that he is out of touch with reality and that the self-pardon was among many non-sensical orders he has been issuing. Multiple accounts described how he attempted to enact a decree that would have mandated an unlimited supply of free chocolate chip ice cream for former U.S. Presidents.

His erratic behavior has not been limited to extending his executive powers to their limits.

In a recent incident, Biden was missing in the middle of the night and was soon found in the White House basement eating through a gallon of ice cream. The president refused to return to his bedroom until a Secret Service agent agreed to tell him his favorite story about driving a Corvette to the beach.

Despite Biden’s alleged unstable condition, additional pardons are also under consideration, including those for Hillary Clinton, Anthony Fauci, and Liz Cheney. According to a highly-placed White House source, these have been delayed because Biden has insisted he won’t sign them without adding post-humous pardons for Benedict Arnold, Al Capone, and Osama Bin Laden.

When asked about his self-pardon by a reporter at a holiday event, Biden shouted, “Ever since this campaign of the unvaccinated, I’ve been holding the country together because no one else seems interested in our future. So I’m going to give pardons for a price, including clemency to any anti-vaxxer who gets the jab and blanket protection for my friends in Big Pharma for poisoning everyone. I believe we are all equal under the law, and dammit, if I want to, I’ll give Donald Trump a full pardon for winning the election.”

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