Kennedy Accused of Ponytail Pulling
Key Witness Describes Attack
Dozens of news reports have declared that independent Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. sought inclusion in the cabinet of Kamala Harris, should she be elected. Although the original unsubstantiated assertions from an article in the Washington Post were repeated worldwide as factual — there is no evidence of an approach toward this end — as it did not occur.
Kennedy clarified that his attempts to communicate with other presidential contenders were not about seeking any position in their administrations, stating, “I wanted to meet with all the candidates to talk about dampening down the rhetoric and unifying our country — and also talk about some of the issues — ending the wars, et cetera."
Yet commentators and opinion writers continue to use the deceptive Washington Post report in their ongoing efforts to condemn Kennedy and his campaign, rather than focus on the urgent topics he seeks to discuss and debate.
The following satirical report was inspired by the increasingly negative, irrational, and ludicrous press coverage of RFK Jr. — and the tabloid tactics keeping Americans from learning about his platform.
To be fully transparent — the piece below is fictional. However, it is not very different from the vast majority of news stories published about Kennedy. With a few strategically placed anonymous sources, this might have appeared in today’s click-hungry press.
The Washington Post has reported that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. pulled the hair and emotionally tortured a female minor at an outdoor venue.
Dennis Menacio, a veteran attorney and expert government witness, divulged his knowledge of the unprovoked offense, claiming that Kennedy aggressively grabbed the girl’s ponytail and continued to torment her even after she asked him to stop. He was a key eyewitness to an assault that caused great physical and emotional pain, observing, “After suffering this degradation and abuse, she cried inconsolably.”
The violation occurred at a school in a Washington, D.C. suburb. Menacio said Kennedy and the young girl were in his third-grade class in 1962 when they were about nine years old. The distressing, random act of violence unfolded during recess when their teacher went back into the school briefly, leaving the children unattended on the playground.
Menacio, a trustworthy source for the Post, vividly described the confrontation and confessed it continues to haunt him. He detailed the aggressive behavior, including how Kennedy, “Suddenly yanked on her braid for no apparent reason and then called her many names, including a birdbrain.”
The Post asked why he was coming forward with his story now and Menacio responded, “In this critical presidential election where we must choose between good and evil, I decided it was time to share this memory with voters, so they would know the truth about how Kennedy conducts himself with young girls and women.”
Currently on a leave of absence from the Central Intelligence Agency, Menacio is working as a consultant for the Democratic National Committee’s opposition research team.
Menacio knew Kennedy well at the time of the attack and confirmed he was causing trouble well before the hair-pulling incident. He remembers Kennedy in the first and second grade as a disruptive and mean-spirited character, often making others miserable with his comments, stating, “Even back then, Bobby was a deviant and a spoiler, never playing by the rules.”
The Post indirectly confirmed Menacio’s allegations with the victim, Kate Erlich, now 70. She initially attempted to defend Kennedy and without any evidence purported it was Menacio who had been teasing her. She asserted, “Menacio was the class bully. I didn’t care about him, but after he threw dirt at me, I began to cry. Bobby came over and kindly attempted to soothe me.”
Erlich’s conspiratorial fabrication doesn’t hold up under scrutiny. She later admitted her memory of the day was unclear — although somehow she recalled that Kennedy had stopped Menacio’s bullying.
In addition to not providing any proof or corroboration, Erlich failed to give a reasonable explanation for never telling her version of what happened to anyone in authority. The Post reported that because she is now a Kennedy supporter, her recollection of the story is an obvious attempt by the campaign to obscure the facts.
In a follow-up interview, Menacio dismissed Erlich’s weak defense of Kennedy, calling it, “A distorted fantasy.” He added, “The details were changed to suit her politics, but she did verify that Bobby was directly involved.”
The CIA confirmed that Menacio has told the same story for decades, and can be relied upon as an honest informant.
At a news conference, Kamala Harris was asked if there would be consequences for the alleged behavior. She replied, “If true, there is no statute of limitations for this kind of abuse and Kennedy should not be permitted to continue his campaign, speak publicly, or post on social media. His behavior exemplifies why every effort is needed to keep deviant, independent candidates off the ballot. Hair-pullers can’t be allowed to interfere with our sacred, two-party, electoral process.”
When told by reporters about the assault, Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz responded, “Sounds believable as anyone who follows the news, knows that Kennedy is just a weirdo. So let me ask you this: why would a genuine environmentalist leave our great Democratic party?”
Donald Trump commented on Kennedy’s alleged behavior at a campaign rally. After citing the news story in a speech attacking Walz’s football coaching and Harris’s casual wardrobe, he interjected, “Trust me. You don’t grab any part of a gal to get her attention — or get elected — well, I don’t know, maybe you do?”
In an interview, Republican Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance unwittingly defended Kennedy by asserting, “Pulling a girl’s hair is not a crime. It is a time-honored American tradition that is Constitutionally protected.”
Reached for a response, Kennedy refused to confirm or deny any facts about the incident. He said, “Government censorship, vanishing topsoil, threatened wilderness, the epidemics of addiction and loneliness, the deaths of despair, and the world’s largest chronic disease burden — are the issues we should be discussing.”
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I heard an amusing analogy that RFK asking for a Harris cabinet position is like Elon Musk seeking a desk job at Tik-Tok.
The degree to which these absurdities continue to come out at a rapid clip is directly proportionate to the level of desperation those who fear the good RFK will do as President in cleaning up corruption, actually draining the swamp, and interrupting their gravy train.
How pathetic we (they) have become.