US Government Cancels Christmas
New Edict Funds An Anti-Christmas Vaccine
Washington, 21 December, 2023
With a new and comprehensive executive order, the White House has forbidden any mention or celebration of Christmas and condemned associated activities. The document signed by the President stipulates the law will take effect immediately throughout all fifty states and US territories. Additionally, any other country that continues festivities will be deemed a terrorist state and subject to numerous economic sanctions.
In comments following the signing, outside the Oval Office, the President said,
This year when the National Chrismas Tree fell over, I immediately recognized this event symbolized the country’s mood and decided to intervene. Christmas and Santa Claus are exhausting many resources that need to be applied elsewhere. Christmas distracts us from the important fight against diseases and enemies everywhere. To show my personal commitment and sacrafice, I won’t eat any more fruitcake or ever wear a Christmas sweater again.
The action was supported and initiated by a new grass-roots organization called DeFund Christmas, enabled by generous donations from leading pharmaceutical companies. A representative of the non-profit applauded the new law, saying,
We are grateful for this altruistic step the president has taken. It is a necessary action to prevent further abuses of the holiday season while prioritizing greater concerns. The writing was on the wall. This new law simply enacts the motto of our organization: always winter, never Christmas.
The order specifically forbids decorating, singing carols, or celebrating on and around the 25th of December. As of today, giving even one Christmas present is a felony, punishable with no less than 13 months in jail, ensuring the crime will not be repeated annually. Perpetrators convicted of giving more than two presents will receive lifetime incarceration; the new Justice Department sentencing mandate has been dubbed, three gifts and you’re out.
The president also emphasized the need to end all charitable giving during the holidays, other than to a new foundation he is setting up for military spending, saying,
We should be giving money to the Pentagon and refilling our prescriptions, not gorging ourselves on senseless Christmas dinners. Did I say that I’m refusing to eat any more fruitcake? Oh, and if you want to know what you should do with gifts already purchased, donate them to Ukrainians, they are in great need of aid of every kind, as war is destroying their country. Christmas presents are now Ukraine presents.
The edict specifically targets Santa Claus for promulgating a false sense of cheer and an atmosphere of charity and benevolence. Law enforcement agencies have been authorized to use deadly force should he be sighted anywhere, whether on the ground or in the sky. The Air Force has been instructed to shoot down any reindeer and sleighs on sight.
Amazon, Netflix, and Apple TV have been directed to remove all holiday-themed entertainment from their streaming sites.
The new order also implements Operation Xmas Light Speed, giving 200 billion dollars to the pharmaceutical industry to develop a drug to prevent the excesses of Christmas.
The president gave some details of this effort.
We all are missing the spirit of coming together we had during the pandemic. This order will bring back and solidify that great feeling. A new safe and effective mRNA anti-Christmas vaccine is almost ready for distribution. Those who get this jab will not have to worry about uttering several keywords including, happy, holidays, merry, and Christmas. Initial trials have been completely successful, although side-effects may include speech impediments, loss of taste, and severe depression. But thanks to our friends in the pharmaceutical industry, we have new drugs that will treat all of these minor symptoms. Twice a year doses of the anti-Christmas jabs are mandated for eternity and they will not be free as you’ll have extra money because you won’t be wasting it on gifts. So let’s not have this imprortant program spoiled with a Christmas of the unvaccinated.
The Anti-Claus Task Force, a new division of the Department of Homeland Security, has been established to enforce all aspects of Christmas cancellation.
Door-to-door searches will begin immediately and continue through Christmas Day, looking for hidden gifts or decorations. The task force will coordinate with local authorities, supervising massive Christmas tree burnings over the next few weeks. Any books with Christmas themes or pictures will be confiscated and added to the fires.
Most news coverage has supported the president’s decree, allowing experts to agree with the administration. They say that Santa should not escape cancel culture, as his activities lead to unattainable expectations in children and stressful disappointment in adults. Those opposed to the new order have been deemed the anti-anti-Christmas faction. Some pundits have suggested public stonings of this small group of deviants to discourage others from contradicting the President’s plan.
Scholars have pointed out that Christmas is not mentioned in the Constitution. Most agree that the cancellation of Christmas and Santa represents the ultimate application of democracy, upholding the concept of separation of church and state to the degree intended by the founders.
The new law initiates additional changes that will be implemented over the next few months including generally reducing the use of Christmas colors in public spaces. Red and green traffic lights will be removed from service; pink will indicate stop and blue for go.
Congressional support has been virtually unanimous. A leading representative, who asked for his name to be withheld, said,
This executive order is about common sense. Big Pharma lines our pockets with cash gifts, and those of us who work in Washington feel like it’s Christmas all year long. There’s no need for the holiday extravagance.
Feels prophetic but also funny. Bah humbug AND a very Happy Christmas to you!
They forgot to include:
Hanukkah will be celebrated all-year long instead.
All street-light-poles throughout the US will be replaced by Menorahs.